Idolization, duty and love
by autumn-leaf16
Summary: A Hotohori x Soi one shot. As Soi tried to find Hotohori after the battle at Volume 1314, she began to think about the two of them, their strange relationship. It is not very long so please have a read.


_**Author's Note: this is a random piece of one-shot that I did quite sometime ago, and I just did it because of a random 'why not?' feeling I had after I had the crazy idea of doing this in the first place. As the summary said, it is a Hotohori x Soi pairing. Now…I don't really support this pairing because it is just something that is not happening, Although I do think they deserve someone as devoted as the other. I think I wrote it due to a 'what if and why not' since these two are my favorite character, and I believe no one else have done one so far. So I did this fan fiction, based on the idea of what if he and Soi meet and fell in love. Personally I think it'll be a super tragic story, because they will not be able to get together- he is the emperor so he'll never be allowed to marry her.**_

_**But yes, please read and hopefully some of you might like it…finding it interesting I guess.**_

_**There isn't much summary, just Hotohori and Soi having someone in love, and she is seeing him for the final time and recollect how they met. I'll advise the rest of the author's note be read after you finish reading the story, as they classify points that many of you would probably already know. It's basically explaining stuff that you somehow didn't figure out.**_

_**This end up being more of a focus on Soi, which is good cause my other fan fictions focuses on Hotohori a lot. Although I don't know if Soi is in character…but I wrote this for the sake of I suddenly want to write it. (ie. I didn't spend a long time on it)**_

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing of this.**_

* * *

I don't think you'll believe me, but I really am sorry at what I did to your people. I suppose this serves as another sign of how I can never be your empress.

Not that the emperor of Konan can ever marry someone who was a prostitute, as well as being one of the seishi of Seiryuu.

Nakago has gone, and so has Suboshi. I do not know where and I do not think that I care anymore. How strange it is, that idolization and even duty can vanishes so suddenly due to love.

I want to find you…I will find you.

Do you remember what we promised each other on our last night together? The one who dies later will be with the other at their final moment, while the one who leaves first will wait for the other's life to end before they go to their next life.

It seems that I must be the one to watch you die, while you will be the one who waits for me. I wish I can call you an idiot for your believe in honour, the cause of your death, but you made me realize that such things can be admirable.

Why does my face always get wet when I think of you? Hotohori, can you tell me why?

* * *

When I first met you I thought of you as beautiful in the same way I describes Nakago, but unlike him you are not accompanied by any bitterness, but by sadness. A sadness that did not go away even when you turned to smile at me.

"Lady Haku, you are welcome here." you said with a smile before you turned to your courtiers, telling them that you would not hurt me because I am not responsible for what the emperor of Kutou is doing, as my country is only ruled by Kutou, not really a part of it.1

For your own reasons you went along with Nakago's game, and even allow me to stand beside you as you played the guzheng in your garden, with the few guards rather far away.

"Lady Haku, did you enjoying the music?"2

I wished that you would not call me that because that title became a mockery when you said it, you must be aware of my real identity. At the very least you certainly would never be foolish enough to believe that I really was a princess from that land.

"I am no expert in such things."

I did not lie to you, for I was never in a position where I had a chance of being educated, and the guzheng have always been the toy of the very elite.3

"It was a piece about the legend of Suzaku." you told me as you began to stroke these strings again, completely undaunted by the clouds that were being knitted together not far away from you.4

"For a long time I idolized the priestess of Suzaku because I believed that she would be the one to free me from this elaborate cage, this isolation. In the same way, you idolized the first person who offered you a helping hand…Lady Soi."5

I still do not know why I fell, whether it was because I was shocked even though I knew you were aware of my true identity, or whether it was because you were being so kind to me. Sadly, I cannot even rule out the possibility that I did what I did as a way of hoping to seduce you.

"I knew what I have been told about you is true as soon as I saw you, for I can recognize what I have in another." You told me gently.

"Is that why you let me near you? Because you felt pity?"

"Maybe it is because I want to die." You interrupted me, but you didn't even raise you voice or harden your tone. "As I learnt that death is the only thing that can free me from all this.

"Call it a moment of madness if you must." You said before you offered me your hand once more.6

* * *

So you finally got your wish, but are you really happy? You may want freedom, but you have never been able to neglect responsibility. That is your weakness, because it torments you when you did nothing wrong. Had any one of Kutou's emperor loved their country and people as you have then none of this will be happening.

I am right in changing as your soldiers are automatically parting for me, recollecting that 'princess' who stayed for a month in Konan with more then half of these times by your side. Of course, many wonder why you would not make her into your empress when you spend many of the nights in my bed.

"Kaen." You are the only one to call me by my real name now, and I will never let another do so. "Kaen…you know that all this will not and cannot last."

Of course I know! Even though I ended up loving you, I never once forget the fact that I was sent to kill you!7

I wish that you had let me raise your chi at least once, as that might have helped you but…

"I am not doing this for the same reason as Nakago. I do this because I love you."

* * *

There you are, still alone even though you are surrounded by so many people.

You put that piece of paper down and stretch your hand to me. I miss you so much!8

Even though the time we had together grew less with the passing of each day, I regret nothing at all. All I want is to love you, and hold onto the memory of how I am loved back.

"Kaen…have you come to fulfil our promise?" you finally asked me as your raises your other hand to touch my hair.

You still have that ornament! Of course, I never once thought that you would throw it away, but I just didn't expect you to carry it everywhere with you.9

"I cherish it because it is your's, but I think it looks better at its right place."

"Hotohori-sama, she is…" that monk beside you begin, which the other actually points a knife toward me.

"She is no longer involved with all this, just as I will soon be free."

So you know that I will join you soon? Yes, I will. I will die with you so we can step into our next life hand in hand, and it will be a life where we will always be together.

"I love you." I repeat these empty words again and they somehow seem to make you smile.

"I love you too, you are the one who have my love…Miaka possessed my idolisation while I married Houki out of duty. But you…you have my love. Isn't that the best thing?"10

It is better for us to die now, because I do not want to spend the rest of my life away from you, especially with the knowledge that another woman will bear the title of your wife, as well as being the mother of your children.

I am so selfish in that way…

You say I am not selfish at all? Only you truly sees me as who I really am. As a woman who desires nothing other then to be loved back by the one who I love.

You hand is growing so cold…can you not speak anymore? I'll go to the place where it is still warm then.

Hotohori…wait for me…wait for Kaen.

* * *

1 I can't find her country's name in English, but basically she came from a place where the kingdom is an individual kingdom, but they decided to let Kutou rule them.

2 Soi's real name is Haku Kaen.

3 The guzheng is a traditional Chinese instrument and it is one of the four Chinese art so it is relatively posh…if that is the right world. But I think it does costs quite a bit, and you have to hire teachers so I think only the rather well to do people play them.

4 Soi is using her powers- intending to strike Hotohori with thunder and lightening soon.

5 I actually don't really agree with this, I think Soi's love is due to love, not just due to the fact that Nakago saved her.

6 He did this due a sudden whim. Maybe a sudden depression? But I think even this is a bit out of character as Hotohori is just too noble, too responsible.

7 What happened is that Nakago sent Soi to assassinate Hotohori by saying that she is a princess from the land she come from, and is visiting Konan due to political reasons.

8 This refers to the photo of the seven seishi of Suzaku and Miaka, taken in volume 6.

9 Soi had this twin hair ornament and she gave one to Hotohori, and kept the other. He raised his hand to place the ornament he had on her hair.

10 I must mention that I actually support Hotohori x Houki, because I think he really did love her. Initially I thought that he married her due to duty, but after reading volume 15 I truly believe that he loved Houki back. But for the sake of this story, I have to make it that he married Houki due to duty.

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_**Author's Note: I hope some people found it interesting, and if you like this then I recommend my other fushigi yugi stories, I guess they are my proper ones. Hidden Secrets is the first one, while Buried Memories is the sequel. But they are basically Hotohori centric. They are about Hotohori and Yuri (who is my OC).**_


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